Why Our Old Love Belief Needs To Expand


image courtesy of throughmyeyes on flickr

It starts with a new meeting of minds. So fresh and new that we do not realize that our limitations are already starting to seep into an image of the newcomer in front of us. It goes unnoticed because our conditioning has been so finely ingrained into our psyche that we just don’t notice our overlay of who that new experience actually is and where we only see what we are painting the picture. Here are a couple of things that I’ve learned about this process of re-defining not only love but seeing the differences of conditional love and unconditional love.

I’d like to point out that for the most part we haven’t re-learned unconditional love. The impersonal aspect which prevades all things, which is here even now as you read this. It is inside (and looking further, you come to find out that you are this, not separate from it.) As a little kid, we can’t be anything other than this because we know no different. However programming begins to happen as you see that the parent, environment, society circumstances begin to influence our once innocent clean slate.

We begin to see conditional love, in that you do something the other wants, and you get something in return.

Or you act according to how THEY want you to act, or their love will be withheld from you. And then the belief that if we don’t act in the way others want us to we will no longer have love. This is conditional love, full of limitation. It’s a selfish play of manipulations. 

We can take a look at this in ourselves, because this program is flawless inside. When we don’t like how someone in our lives are acting we get mad, angry, disappointed,  sad. Not because they are acting how they are.. but because they are not acting according to how we want them to act. Or according to OUR image of them. Again, very conditional and specific.

What Are The Differences Of Conditional To Unconditional?

This is a good question to ask. It’s good because it allows us to be mindful of how we’ve been reacting to things. It gives us the opportunity to see it happening and to change the outcome or to respond differently. This is where the change in belief can start, and expand.

Conditional love will always be conditional, it brings about suffering, even on a very subtle level. You may love another and relate to them, but you will always only see them from how you want them. Your idea of them will be there and so the fear that if they don’t act according to your wants, suffering will happen. And you will actually withhold your own happiness from yourself.  

Why else do you think people go from boy to boy, or go from girl to girl? Because they all have a mental checklist that never adds up to what THEY want. They want their version of love and they want their perfect version of that person which will never add up because of our own limitations and beliefs.

Now Unconditional Love is quiet different. This is not something that can be cultivated, it can only be re-discovered within. It is the thing inside in which you always have had, and that you’ve never lost. You do not need another individual to give you it, but to see that you are completely capable of making yourself happy. In fact the ONLY one that can keep yourself happy regardless of what others think. You see there is a secret to this when it comes to relating to other people.

Others are not responsible for loving you, you are responsible for loving you.

When you give away your power to another, you already have agreed to the belief of conditional love. But if you follow that you are the only one that can love you for who you actually are. No one can give you anything that you don’t already have. This allows for relating and loving others unconditionally.

How Can We Switch Over?

Well it starts with dropping everything we come to know about what we think love is. There are so many different versions of it, but they are all conditional and limited. That is what keeps the love that we are from expanding. Having that checklist there cages us in a sense, so see that the checklist is there and be mindful for when it comes up inside, and then work on not reacting to it but watching it. This is just a small step that will allow you to eventually un-program the old response and inherit the new response.

The next thing is to see again that you are responsible for your own love and happiness. Stop trying to please everyone else, because you will not succeed. You don’t have to live with other peoples expectations but you do have to live with yourself. Taking  back what you have been giving out and owning it will benefit you greatly. It may not be easy at first but being comfortable in your own skin is worth it. Being self-content is a quality that bleeds onto others in everyday life, and as a by-product, others will want to be around you. It’s weird that self love attracts others instead of seeking it but it works!

And by finally listening to yourself, you will start to notice something about you and how you relate to others. You will begin to see them, to really see them because your ideas of them will begin to drop away. You will connect with them in a way that you didn’t think was possible. They will bloom and show you things you couldn’t imagine. And thus showing you more of yourself.

Let your limitations of you and others drop away and life will bloom around you. That is unconditional love.


Nick Myers, a 28 year old serial blogger. Also minimalist, zen participant, philosopher, author of Emotional Alchemist, and tea disciple. I am one who sees a potential lesson in every experience in life. Life is who we are and life is our ultimate guru. I seek to bring us together through our own shared experiences. And hope to not only learn deeply who I am but to learn deeply who others are by dropping my ideas from moment to moment about you.

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Posted in awareness, Practical Living
4 comments on “Why Our Old Love Belief Needs To Expand
  1. bussokuseki says:

    This is beautifully written and wonderful advice – thank you for sharing it. Be well~

  2. zenkitties says:

    thank you bussokuseki, I appreciate the kind words, and hope it may help someone out there. If it affects just one person or helps guide one person. Then the words have done their job.

    Blessings to you.

  3. danyan2001us says:

    This is my favorite topic always.. i have conducted talks on this before with groups of young people…..keep blogging….ciao…..

  4. zenkitties says:

    Hey danyan2001us,

    thanks for stopping by! This is one of my all time favorite topics of share and talk about as well. I will continue to blog because it’s what I love doing like you do!

    Thank you for sharing your experience with me through your blog. I offer you the same encouragement. Much love to you brother.


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