Getting over broken heart – the only medicine is self medicine

What I’ve noticed in this field of vision, that in these times, there are a lot of things that go on within… stirrings of emotions for most because of the abruptness that the body and mind must go through. Within an instant we are cast into a darkness, its a scary feeling however, this darkness is empty space, a silent gift. It is this freedom that allows us to take a look into ourselves and the solitude that it brings. It wont make the hurting go away unless its understood and accepted however, and no amount of running away will help it go away any quicker… These things only serve as distractions.

I will have the pleasure of discussing the insights that I have pulled from my experience thus far from my separation from one of the best relationships of my life so far, with someone I love deeply. I will also talk a little bit about what to expect going into going through a break up and the mechanics of the mind in this state and hopefully give some insight into some things that can minimize the damage of a broken heart.

Know The Way Your Mind Works in Heartbreak

This is important… well all of this is important now isn’t it. It feels as if your world is collapsing around you, and it is, because the old you is dead at this point. Its time that you acknowledge this. All of your past expectations need to be let go, as those only serve to hold you back at this point, as if being chained to an anchor of some illusion of grandeur. Also know that this process is not going to be easy for most. That would be foolish to say that seeing these things makes it easier or lessens the blow but it could… or couldn’t. Know your mind, the way it works, and what it brings to the table in this situation. What I’ve seen is that the mind begins to play out scenarios to try and understand what went wrong, who was in the wrong, and why this could possibly be happening. At this point its best to not believe yourself, as believing these stories is like believing a dream is real and not a dream. Let us be honest with ourselves, we don’t know what actually is going on in the others mind or the real reason, only what they are portraying to you. You just have to trust in the fact that its happening for the best because otherwise… well it wouldn’t be happening now would it? All inner stories are real, but only real in the affect that they are the story, and if caught up in them can cause mental anguish (not that it wont anyway but understanding that is what they are is important to healing the wound quicker.) It causes mental anguish because the dream like thought attaches to some emotion based on some ideal that you may have making it “right or wrong” and so because this fantasy takes over the bodies only reaction is to feel those feelings attached to the thought even if it isn’t what is really going on. The only thing that is really happening is that you have shared companionship with another and now it is time to part. How foolish is it of us to expect that relationships would be eternal or that just because we would not be stricken by grief. Is it not universal laws that dictate that with every crash of a wave, another is reborn in its place. This is with everything in life, there is always an unfolding or blossoming, and maturity, and then a demise. There are some longer than others, but all is a teaching in its own.

Accepting Your Heart is Broken

The next step is to accept that the way that you feel is how you feel. There isn’t anything wrong with feeling the way you feel. It hurts, and it will hurt as long as you hold onto it and try and keep what you had together. By Accepting it and slowly releasing the rope of what you use to have, the easier and lighter your heart will feel. Some days are going to be worse than others. Its time to let go of pointing the finger at the other if this is where the minds led you at this point, because on the bad days, it will do exactly this. Accept and take responsibility that you took a risk getting into the relationship and having your heart broken or hurting the other person. We can’t be scared to have love shape us into a better person and to shape us into a more beautiful version of ourselves. It isn’t to say who you were in the the relationship with wasn’t perfect, it just means that you were perfect then who you were just as you are perfect the way you are now. The only difference is, is that your current state doesn’t match up to the others right now, so love must leave for the time being for the best. It usually comes down to this question:

Would you rather be in a relationship where its safe but you are always unhappy because of growing apart, or would you rather take the brunt of it now, and know that things are going to be okay over a short period?

Where Un-hapiness in a Broken Heart Comes From

I’m sure you’ve probably wondered this a thousand times too, and there are some really good bloggers that speak about this on a more general level like Leo Babauta at Zen Habits which is expectation. Leo has actually written on the subject and the post is called toss your expectations into the ocean and it has a lot to do with the reason why people are just generally unhappy.

What I want to point out for this post is that people always are expecting their significant other to be a certain way or cook up this illusion of their love in their mind that this person “must” meet and when those two things do not match up they become unhappy with the other person… but look closely and you will actually find it is not the other person that you’re unhappy with, but your image that YOU created is what is making you unhappy. Those are expectations, and you created them, so you do it to yourself… Now I apologize if this frustrates some people but I’m not really in the business to console (once in a blue moon maybe) but I’m here to tell it like it is as best as I can but you are causing your own miseries and the quicker you see that, the quicker you can get past it. Your loved one is perfect the way that they are right now in front of your eyes, just as you are perfect the way you are right now in front of your eyes. The only reason there is fights and troubles is a dispute over whos realities are right when neither one is correct, just different in particulars. So like Leo says, if you would just toss your expectations in the ocean maybe those thoughts and emotions would calm down a little bit and just let the zen flow rush in, and do what it does best. Here are a few things that come to mind that seem to haunt me, which I’m sure haunt a lot of people in the break up:

  • What if so and so get another girlfriend/boyfriend.
  • What if we can’t be friends.
  • Now this person is going to be wild and crazy without me.

All legitimate thoughts that will most likely drive you crazy if you don’t know where they are coming from. Firstly, the potential of the first one in any given situation could very well be true, so you’re going to have to deal with that fact. You know what though? You will too, maybe not in the state you’re in now, but every day it will get easy, just like every storm clears up. Staying friends may or may not happen, that is also circumstantial depending on how the relationship was broken off or whether you can even handle being their friend. Now is not the time to worry about that, because chances are its going to do more damage to you now, then help you. What you need to know is that you have you now, and you are everything that you can possibly need; you don’t need someone to re-affirm that you are loved because that is the stuff YOU are made off, if you weren’t, you wouldn’t of attracted the other in the first place.

The last one and many others that will pop up from emptiness are just fits. They are selfish tantrums that bare no evidence. Like a dream that pans from scene to scene without any stability in reality. These are meant for you to overcome emotionally, to feel what it would feel like in your worst case scenario (which is a little stoicism) but honestly if that’s the worst that happens, then do you really want that in your life… because at some point they would of been doing it to you IN the relationship. So why keep it from them in the relationship, instead let them be free just as you are and experience it. If it turns out its a mistake for them then you can both deal with it when the time comes… but for now, focus on aloneness with yourself, moving on, and making the best you, that you can be at this moment right now.

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Nick Myers, a 28 year old serial blogger. Also minimalist, zen participant, philosopher, author of Emotional Alchemist, and tea disciple. I am one who sees a potential lesson in every experience in life. Life is who we are and life is our ultimate guru. I seek to bring us together through our own shared experiences. And hope to not only learn deeply who I am but to learn deeply who others are by dropping my ideas from moment to moment about you.

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2 comments on “Getting over broken heart – the only medicine is self medicine
  1. msayers says:

    They’re never easy. What IS easy, however, is to try to find what you did wrong, what you did to cause it. Of course, I’ve been through a few of these myself, one of them a marriage, which was extraordinarily painful. But, I learned then that nothing thrown at me can destroy me. I may be out on my ass without a thing but the clothes on my back, but I will survive. And if I don’t – I don’t. That’s it.

    Good work, Nick, looking at yourself through this. It sucks, and no amount of nonduality or Zen will lighten that load… it SUCKS! Good for you, though. Really. Good for you.

    Peace out, my brother! 🙂

  2. zenkitties says:

    Hey Mikey Boy!

    i always love hearing from you via comments. I have a few reasons as to why I think it didn’t work out, but we actually ended it on pretty good terms for now. She still loves me and and I obviously still love her, its just mainly for the fact that we can’t get anything done when we’re around each other if that sounds weird… I guess it doesn’t though considering that is the way a dream is, and then shit happens and we wake up. Well I think part of the reason is that SHE had an awakening which we celebrated… who would of thought?

    Then again, it doesn’t make the hurt go away, but i’m beginning to understand it more and no amount of Zen can fill the sadness that has replaced the joy but then again, that is Zen haha. We don’t take part in love to only expect that things are going to be pleasurable. We take the risk knowing that what we have is real regardless of what times come rushing by in the experience. Thanks buddy. I agree with you though, some days are shitty and some days are good. Today is slowly revealing itself moment by moment.

    -Nick

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