This is probably going to be one of those rants, so bare with me, to get what i’m trying to get out. Over the past week or so I’ve been meditating on the source of an emotion feeling and where it’s realities actually lie, only to come up with nothing. I don’t know where any of it comes or goes outside of it being triggered by thoughts, beliefs, and of course habits that the body has learned. It makes me wonder how emotions even exist at all, they seem to come up and for the human body, they are it’s reality telling it what to feel for a given situation given this thought is going through that situation etc…
However with the sense of emotion, I’m not convinced that they belong to me nor even really exist. I know I “feel” these things given i’m in a specific situation but again, I only see these things happening when a given thought arising and that thought reacting in a set programmed way. But when said thought or belief is gone, then where is the feeling/emotion? It goes back to its’ source, or non-existence?
The manifestation of emotion really doesn’t make sense, other than they just happen and then dissipate, and they really hold no solid physical energy outside of the thought, so by just seeing the absurdity of a thought or belief disarms the emotion. Not that you have to see that thought is wrong because this isn’t about the wrongness or rightness of a thought, because thoughts are neither, but to see that even the thought, no matter how “personal” the thought is. The only thing that makes it personal is the environmental and circumstantial programming that, that specific body has experienced, which is why it turns into “my” thoughts.
This brings me to the absurdity of this world, that it is really just a play to be watched. You can see all the drama by just looking, even in our own lives, and see that each character believes in some fantasy to preserve that identity. It’s a fight for survival of something thing that is superficial. Although there is definitely nothing wrong with this (as i enjoy and take part in it as much as watch it unfold) it still leaves me at a continuously exponential loss of will to relate to others.
I feel like I’m slowly losing whatever i had before to relate to other people, you know… those, “you know what i mean??” moments that people pass back and forth? I don’t get that, because I really don’t know what they mean, they are trying to preserve their character to get me to agree to something or to see it and incorporate it somehow with a view that has no view. How can that even be possible? How can i even see what anyone means when I can see even the absurdity in my own conditioned mind, it just seems rather silly. Things people see as problems, I see as best outcomes because how or why would it be happening if it wasn’t the best possible thing to happen in that moment? It couldn’t of happened any other way because well… it didn’t, it’s as simple as that. The if is absolutely never there, you know, “well what if this happened.”
Overall I think what’s trying to be conveyed is that all those thoughts of meaning, or of personal agenda hold no solid ground, so because not even those hold any solid ground, emotion holds no solid ground, and finally because emotions hold no solid ground there should be no obstacle to truth.
But alas, there seems to be, and so the drama continues; can someone get me some popcorn with better, it could get interesting. 😉