I’ve been reading Jed Mckenna lately and it’s really been allowing me to see some things that I haven’t previously been seeing. Again, thanks again to Mike Ayers for this wonderful recommendation (whether he directly recommended the book or through his blog rantings :P). I’m not really sure how to describe Jed Mckenna but, there is something about the story in the book Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment that really just hits at a deeper level. In the book he says the story isn’t about… well the people in the story, the story of the hero is really about us the reader. The story IS us, in our everyday lives, we live in a facade, a dream like state which I’ve touched on in past blogs, but I don’t think I really fully comprehended it (or don’t really think I have fully comprehended it even now) but I see some things that I didn’t see when everything was intellect based, at the point at which I was medicating myself instead of seeing it in REAL time.
For some the dream like state needs to be maintained, there is nothing wrong in the dream state, I don’t actually feel any anguish for it, knowing I’m sitting here in it as I speak my mind, but then again when seeing it, it’s almost like even though I feel no anguish or no hatred towards it, I also feel the utmost disgust for it, because its like seeing myself as a fraud, a doppleganger, a shadow, a menace, a bain to my own existence. Everything that I am right now is false, the lifestyle i have right now, is false. It’s all automation from different things that this human condition has picked up. I don’t get how this could of gone on for so long, and it makes me wonder how long this has been going on for, for me to be able to see this (although it doesn’t matter how long it has gone on for, that doesn’t help right now, all that matters is that the seeing has taken place right now and is happening right now.)
At one point of my not so much younger life, I believed i started facing such demons, and was very disillusioned with my life in general but then put myself back into a dream state, but then it has bubbled up again, just like it should, because it is inevitable that this will happen. The false can only stay in place for so long before the structures grow thin and then crumble into a fiery pit of oblivion, that fiery pit is I. It also makes me feel tremendously sad though, because I see all the attachments I have in my life (my parents for example which as I right this is almost like a deep saddening, almost to the point of the insides crying, or weeping) and I see that they are still in this dream state. How could that happen, that parents who have birthed me can still be in that place and how I could be led out of it or having some grace of seeing where I am.
Of course, the fact that this body was only birthed so that this whatever I am, lets call it awareness because I enjoy that ring better than other things, could come to know itself once more that it has always been this thing, and it got to fully experience the body experience, every concept of emotion and thought that has been experienced is also there. Upon the bodies death though, there will no longer be any need for any of that though will there?
The mind keeps asking questions, questions that don’t have answers, silly questions like, “well if I’m gone then where does this person fit in.” I know what the answer is, and it’s that they don’t, because there is no person. IF I’m not even this persona, then who is that persona, it makes no difference as to my point of reference, they are the same as me, so why is the question even presented in the first place? So if the unfolding is happening, then the burning process is happening as well, and I’ve began to notice a difference even in every day occurrences.
In previous posts I know i spoke about silence, and how I can see silence, but there is a lot more to it then just that, I see other things too, like other silly emotions that come up, concepts that cause the body to be tense, show agitation, and it’s even all thanks to my wonderful girlfriend (not that shes causing me to feel this way, shes beautifully perfect the way she is.) It’s breathtaking to see that she can stir up all these feelings that I have left unchecked for so long, have not taken responsibility for and have not shined the light on; they have just been waiting in darkness for someone to notice them, but now I see them and they are delightful. For example, yesterday was the 4th of July and we were suppose to be somewhere at 5. With this being said, I would usually claim to be a very punctual guy, I like to be there when I say that I’m going to go there, but my girlfriend on the other hand seems to have this totally different concept of how things are in regards to time. So I was completely and utterly swept up in agitation, but I guess not swept up enough or I wouldn’t be able to write about it being aware of it. This whole perception of time and “punctualness” is a facade, and that I’m lying to myself, there is no such thing as punctualness, it’s just some goofy idea that someone told me was good, and seeing this I realized what was happening that because I wasn’t punctual I was still within the flow of everything going on whether I wanted to be in hell or heaven was my choice.
So with all this word vomit coming out, there is so much more where that came from, and probably will begin to express itself more often (maybe not so much on blog as much as other places) but it feels lighter just seeing things, demolishing them, and like Jed Mckennas says, its’ not about merely re-arranging the attic to let light in, it’s about burning everything in the attic, and those things mean nothing, and because they mean nothing, they need to go. When the process happens, you’ll realize upon burning everything up that you still remain and instead of coal, you become a diamond in an instant.
so there is one question: Where does my story fit in, in your life? (look for the reflection in your life)