This past week has been a little bit harsh… I’ve been putting more human into these posts as you have probably been able to tell.. I figure that, what does it matter whether I refer to myself or not… what matters and what doesn’t matter… all just a play on words. I could go about it all day saying one way or another but unless I can truly feel the shift, does it really matter?
I feel things changing within the body that I’m in, things are becoming more clear but things are also taking root (or rather uprooted). It is a very uncomfortable process to the mind, if it would be saying one thing to me right now, I can assure you it would be saying, “fuck you man, why would you do this to me?” In which case I would probably reply, “doing what to you? I have never caused you any pain, you have done with to yourself.” Of course, they would both be the ego talking to itself, I’m not saying any of those thoughts, they are just happening, even writing this, I’m watching it happen…
Its funny though… we call someone that talks allowed to themselves skizophrenic, but isn’t everyone skizo by that definition? We just don’t talk allowed, but there are a million and one different “voices” of “us” in the mind telling us what is right, what isn’t, “did i check the garage door, is it shut? Maybe i should go back and check it.” just stuff like that… and yet we call other people insane?
What is insanity anyway, “not within the norm of society” probably would be some definition of it, which misses the mark.
But through all that rambling… I’m still here, through all those waves in the ocean… I am still here, I’ve always been here, I have not moved from this spot, I am dynamically changing always, but in the same token, I am very unchanged. I am this vast emptiness, this silence that is deep within, but I incorporate everything that is. I cannot explain myself… I am…
I want these eyes open for good, no more imposition, I’m done binding myself.
I will leave this post with a small story that I read from a book by Osho: The God Conspiracy
It is a small anecdote from a Sufi Mystic that went by the name of al-Hillaj Mansoor, and it goes a little something like this:
A man came to him and asked the same question. “What is liberation?”
He was sitting in a mosque with beautiful pillars all around. Listening to the question, al-Hillaj Mansoor went immediately towards the pillar, and holding on to the pillar with both hands he started shouting, “Help Me!”
The man could not understand what was happening. He had just asked about liberation and this man seemed to be mad. Mansoor is holding on to the pillar, and he is asking the man, “Please help me, the pillar is holding me, and it is not letting go. Liberate me.”
The man said, “You are mad, you are holding the pillar. The pillar is not holding you.”
Mansoor said, “I have answered, now just get out of the place. Nobody is binding you.”