Relationships: What is Healthy?

This piece has many components to the relationship, and here are just a few that I’ve been lucky enough to observe in my existence.

Relating:

First I would like to talk on relating, this tends to be a key part of any relationship, and there are some pit falls in this (what we’ve come to believe as a relating from societies stand point). Relating is not just getting to know someone on the shallow end of things, its about truly seeing each other for who they are. You have to realize that no matter how much you get to know someone on the outside, are you ever going to fully know someone unless you really come to know their true nature, their true being, that which goes beyond the words, or the masks that we put on (or a mask that one imposes on the other)?

To come to some understanding about each other… you must come to understand that you will never know someone completely and this is where I see the pitfall, is that people are so caught up in finding out all of the other persons “habits, mannerisms, and personality” and then once all of this is found out, there is a feeling of, “well there is nothing more, what more is there to know about this person?” This is were the honeymoon phase ends for most people and the reality sets in. However, Get this idea out of your head; society has set you up this way and it hasn’t worked in the past so what makes you think it will work now? The fact of the matter is, is that you never really knew the person to begin with, and no matter how much you get to know someone there will always be something more to know… that this person that you’re in a relationship with whether it be a beloved or even a best friend is changing constantly. They are not the same person you knew even 1 minutes ago. I say this for a number of reasons:

Firstly: Habits, ideas, and concepts are not that person to begin with, they are always subject to change and those things are only things they have picked up. You can observe this within yourself… you project what you’ve heard from other people and you attach yourself to a belief, but let’s say someone makes a good point: then your whole belief structure shifts because you find that concept more suitable to your lifestyle.

Secondly: The body itself changes constantly. Cells die, new ones are born… there are not any original cells in the body from 7 years ago, so how can that person from 7 years ago possibly be the same person they are now. They may have the same look but more grown up, but they are not the same person, they have grown, so your idea of them is old and stale, and you have been making assumptions that no longer are meaningful. (and these assumptions are toxic, you do not see them with fresh eyes doing this.)

Third: Your expectation plays a big part in what you see from them. Not only do their ideas change, but so do yours. You can really only see someone when you have stopped trying to paste your idea of who you think they are on that person. If you do this, you will only disappoint yourself, and you will never see someone for who they are by doing so. So get rid of any idea you have had and enjoy them for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

So with this being said, this person will always remain a mystery to you, do not look at it from the stand point that, “I finally know this person, there is nothing more to him/her, I must move on”, This simply is not true. Each person is mystifying, each person will always have some mystery about them, and its not on the surface detail. All their likes and dislikes… but also their very being, who they REALLY are, once you have been receptive to each other in this respect given, you begin to enjoy each other for your true natures. Love blossoms beautifully, it doesn’t matter whether you have the title or not, the title is relatively meaningless… who are you trying to prove anything to with the title? What can the title get you that love cannot? Love does not need to be bound by title, in fact just because the title is there, does not mean love is there. If anything, it can become an obstacle.

The obstacle of titles:

Here is some insight on the titles thing… In many cases it can be an obstacle as the title of this section implies, and here is how I see it: When you go from a deep and loving relationship with someone and then you decide you want to slap the title on it, you are now making some blanket statement, “This person is my property.” Let’s face it, that is what the title of boyfriend/girlfriend implies. As soon as that title emerges, then a couple now begin to put boundaries, rules, what is right/wrong on each other. But you do not own that person and the person does not have ownership over you. Do not fool yourself into believing this. The title relatively says nothing about a relationship. If love is there, love is there… what need is there for a status symbol? It only suites the ego to say, “okay something is there.” However the title could just be there just to be there, an act out of love, to show each other you are dedicated to each other, which is fine too. But do not get the idea that just because there is a title there, that things have to be different, if the relationship is harmonious with the universal plan (or the Absolutes plan) why change the way you orchestrate it if you two are content in your relationship?

I’m sure a lot of people have questions of trust, but this question is not a problem in the beginning, and this question of trust only arises because people do not trust themselves. If you do not trust yourself, then what makes you think you are going to trust the other person? Also, having the title can bring about trust issues, because then you start to expect someone to be a certain way; like your idea of a relationship, or from things you’ve heard about how a relationship should be; and when that does not happen, you will take yourself out of happiness. It is not them that has taken you from happiness, but yourself who has done it. The ego will go on pointing the finger though,  as not to take blame for its own poor judgment, to its own surprise that this other person is not following its will.

Some of the most happy couples do not have titles, and without that title can make for a stronger relationship, because trust really will shine through at this point. It will not be trust in the traditional relationship sense, because it is not being forced by the title of a relationship. It is not trust out of fear, but trust out of love, of non-violence, a natural trust. However, titles are not to be condemned, just be wary that they mean relatively nothing, there is no use in it, so it is not necessary for love to blossom between two individuals.

Right/Wrong:

Here is one of the biggest road blocks that I have seen in relationships: the idea of right and wrong…what should be right and what should be wrong whether it’s best friends or beloved. A relationship is the existence of two individuals enjoying each others being; it is the coming together in a sort of unity in love. This love can be very short or it can be very indescribable (to the point at which you cannot explain to others how it is, you just know). This applies just as much in friendship as it does in a romance between you and your beloved. It is bigger than the both of you. You two are merely taking part in the presence of love, you are not cultivating love to each other, it is there and you are taking part. So do not look at it in the stand point of  “I do this to get this back and vice versa.” This is a selfish way to think in a relationship.

Also, right and wrong can be circumstantial… what may be right in another relationship may not work for you in your relationship. So just because someone tells you that what you are doing is a mistake does not mean it is the truth. So many people go to others to get advice, thinking this will cure their relationship illness, but this is not so; It may actually hinder the experience that you are sharing with someone else. Also you have to watch carefully because others may be giving advice out of selfishness, that they do not have what you have (something they cannot possibly understand because they have not experienced it themselves). They can see this, so because of this, they try and knock the relationship down to the old dull version of what society sees a relationship to be (not showing affection towards each other, not being flirty, not interacting with each other, no playfulness, etc.). These qualities are in fact all healthy things, but why do people feel they are not to be had in public? They are uncomfortable with the fact that they see something they want and that they don’t have it.

Be mindful.. Be Aware..of each other when you give advice, people seem to not think what one person is experiencing with another may not be what you have experienced in the past. You do not know how deep anothers’ relationship goes  with others, so what makes you think you will know the correct way of going about dealing with it? I’ve dealt with this in the past, that people give advice to people i am sharing a relationship with, them not fully comprehending the situation, and it hinders the relationship for a short while because not only does it put the relationship in a box, it also makes it difficult for the two to see each other for who they are. One then has to see the person through the eyes of the other person who gave the advice, through a filter, then they are no longer who they truly are. There is nothing wrong in advice, but just be aware that advice comes from the past, from memory, it is known and dull, stagnant. It cannot possibly apply to the now unless you want a stale result. Healthy relationships should always feel fresh, keep you on your toes, playful, and should have a mystical quality to it.

Again, just because you see something as right or wrong, does not make it so for another. Chances are what works for you may work for someone else, but they are not you and you are not them, so it just equally may not work for them. Their experience is different than your experience, so you cannot treat the situations the same. If hardships come from the experience, they come, and you grow from those experiences, but do not meddle if it can be helped… now I’m not saying if someone comes to you for advice to not give advice (as people have come to me before about it) but what I am saying is think more on how to fix a problem with the least amount of violence to the relationship possible, without putting up filters, rights and wrongs. Also take advice with a grain of salt.. only use what you think is useful.. use it as a tool, not a Master. Our nature is Intuitive, it will always be able to think creatively, you do not need old information to go from. Every situation is different, so treat it as an adventure rather than a job.

Oshos definition of right and wrong, and it works really well in most cases is:

“Whatever is harmonious with the universe or absolute is right, and whatever is not is wrong.”

Bondage:

This is where it gets heavy, relationships are built around truly seeing each other for who you are. Where things break up is when your idea of someone gets in the way of who they actually are. This is the cause of suffering in the relationship world. It is not them who has done anything wrong, they were perfectly fine doing whatever they were doing before you came along, it is you who perceives it as being wrong because their natural state does not meet up to your idea of who they are. Because of this, you will withhold your own happiness, but honestly, who does this help? Does it help you, or does it help your beloved or significant other? If anything it is selfish to do this, and what is referred to as attachment to your idea. You have become so attached to your ideas of the person that you have forgotten to see them for their Beautiful Self.

So when you have heartache because something is not going your way, it is you who is creating it, not them. Then once more, the ego will point the finger and begin to try and justify how it is THEIR fault you are unhappy… but what you’re really saying is, “My judgment has been poor, I have not seen this person, i have imposed my own selfish desire and they do not meet my standard so now I will not be happy.” It is not poor judgment of the person you chose, it is poor judgment of the ideas you’ve chosen to attach to. Again they were fine before you tried to impose these things. When we impose our ideas on another is the moment at which we no longer see them for who they are, this is not love. This is not Freedom, you are shackling their feet and hands, putting each other in bondage. This is why when bad break ups happen, you feel an emptiness. You ask yourself, “What will i do now, this person was my everything, they were my life” this happens because you are feeling freedom again, because you lost yourself in the other. It is like saying, “okay you may breathe as much as you want around me but when you are not with me, you have to hold your breath.” How is the respectful or fair to the other person? Why not feel that freedom at all times, you can be lost in each other through love and still have the freedom there, just simply don’t attach to the ideas and enjoy each other!

Being Respectful:

Finally the good part! Being respectful, creating a loving and freedom based relationship, has nothing to do with the traditional sense of a relationship! There I said it! It has everything to do with really seeing each other, dropping all notions of who we think we are, enjoying the moment with them, like one enjoys a symphony, you appreciate the times you have with other, enjoy each others beautiful music with each other and then when they are not there, you can enjoy your own symphony. Do not impose things on each other, if you fall away from each other, that is fine, if you guys grow, that is fine too. There is nothing wrong in either action, if you two are truly free with each other there is absolutely no need for a title. The more you are in a relationship with each other the more trust out of love you will have for each other, and the more you will grow not just on the tip of the iceberg (ex. of an iceberg being small on top but deep under the iceberg is vast and emaculate in size) but you will grow exponentially below the water as well… You will respect each other a lot more if you guys give each other this freedom, which allows the flower of your love to bloom if it blooms and will even allow you to be more receptive to the love you two are taking part in. Give each other a chance, you wouldn’t of come into each others life if it weren’t to share in each others love, to mirror your own love that is present back. If you respected and trust each other, there would be no need for boundaries, and again you can only worry about your half of the relationship and the other worries about theirs. Don’t tell the other how to do their job to fit your mold and vice versa. However if they come to you and want your help, you are totally free to give it with loving care. ❤

Look Inward:

Final words, to have a good relationship, you have to be solid in yourself. As Osho explains you cannot love another without being selfish with yourself first. What I mean by this is, You cannot love others if you do not first love and respect yourself. How do you suspect you can love another if you do not know of the love you are within yourself. You will only be putting on a “love” that is non existent outwardly and this facade can only go on for so long until the other will see that what you really are about. Osho also puts it beautiful when he says, “Its like throwing a rock into a pond, when it hits the water the rings start from the inner most region (your center of being) and travel outward.” So find it within yourself… first… Win the war within, to spread the love without. Don’t bother trying to solve someone elses problems if you have not first extinguished the war within yourself first.

Being Aware in the Relationship: Should I add this part to this? If so let me know haha.

Plus I’m sure i will be editing this if ideas come up through conversation, things to be clarified, or to be polished… I hope you gain some insight from this, or maybe pull some things out of it that you maybe hadn’t looked at or even bring up some stuff to me that maybe I hadn’t looked up. I’m not about to say this will suit everyone, and in no way saying that my way is the right way but I hope that truth would prevail even if i’m wrong. I will not take credit for these insights, for they  are credited to the beautiful relationships that I’m taking part in right now. (My Big Five Best Friends, one of which includes my best girl friend.) I have not done anything in these relationships but rather have been receptive to the love that existed between us as it goes beyond the two human beings.

I also would like to dedicate this piece to those five:
Alicia
Burke
Eric
Hunter
Steve
You guys make my world, I love you all.

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Nick Myers, a 28 year old serial blogger. Also minimalist, zen participant, philosopher, author of Emotional Alchemist, and tea disciple. I am one who sees a potential lesson in every experience in life. Life is who we are and life is our ultimate guru. I seek to bring us together through our own shared experiences. And hope to not only learn deeply who I am but to learn deeply who others are by dropping my ideas from moment to moment about you.

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Posted in love, suffering
One comment on “Relationships: What is Healthy?
  1. Steven Weatherbee says:

    Nick,

    I can tell that your insights on love and relationships are well thought out, and you have patiently portrayed them through this blog very well.

    I think that most people could actually agree with you (for once :D) in the information and guidance you seek to give others, and that it could help plenty.

    it helped that you told me that some of your content was written in an exostentialist type of way, and i must add that in response to some of your blog, there are a few things that could be very subjective in regards to relationships. However, i feel that your words were quite clear and helpful enough.

    the English buff in me noticed sentence structure and other minor errors here and there, and if you’d like i would love to help you edit this under your supervision, as to keep this as original to your thoughts as can be. i offer my help in this way because i would definitely recommend this piece for others to read, and i would like that in the future.

    thank you for the dedication! 😀

    -Steve Weatherbee

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